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Children
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Families
North Shore
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| Why Children Lie And What to Do About It By Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
© Copyright 2007-2009, North Shore Ink, All Rights Reserved
Let’s start with the basics. What is a lie? A lie is an intentional deception. If I deliberately attempt to lead you to believe that
As we all know, people lie a lot. Lying is more common than we care to admit. There are many times when we may find ourselves lying
– and we may not even be aware of it. For example, imagine that you are buying a house or a new car. You tell the salesperson how
much you are willing to pay. Of course, you may be willing to pay more than you say. Now, that’s a lie! In the context of negotiations
over a purchase, it is perhaps customary – even expected – that we lie.
And what about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? Technically, they are…well…I can’t even bring myself to say it, but they are.
Many of us are willing to tell lies to preserve another person’s feelings. Many, perhaps most folks feel that it is acceptable to tell Aunt
Betty that we really like the Spinach Rhubarb pie that she spent all afternoon baking – even though we don’t. We lie because we think
that telling the truth would have more negative consequences than lying.
So, not all lies are necessarily bad. The bad lies seem to be those that have their origins in self-interest – in advancing the self at the
expense of the other. Let’s take a look at why children lie – particularly out of self-interest -- and how we can help change their
behavior.
Children’s Motives for Lying
So, why do children lie? What are their motives? How should we respond to children’s lies? Understanding why a child would lie is
important to deciding how we should respond to a lie.
Perhaps the most frequent reason a child lies is fear (self-protection or self-interest). If a child has just swiped a cookie before dinner;
pushed his sister out of the way, or is watching a TV show that she is not supposed to be watching, he is likely to feel afraid of what will
happen if a parent were to find out. Children want their parent’s approval; however, they also want to watch the prohibited TV show.
Young children also lie in order to get out of doing things that they do not want to do. “Did you brush your teeth?” “Did you clean your
room?” “Did you do your homework?” In that moment, to a child who doesn’t want to brush her teeth, clean her room or do her
homework, it is so easy to just say “I did” when, well, “I didn’t.”
Of course, there are other, more benevolent reasons why children lie. Sometimes children lie to protect other people. Like adults, older
children sometimes lie to avoid hurting another person’s feelings. Sometimes, children are simply mistaken about what happened. And
sometimes, children tell tales because, well, tales are interesting and get interesting reactions from people. If I lie about my
accomplishments, for example, maybe you’ll like me more.
Helping Children Move Beyond Lying
As parents, when a child lies out of self-interest, we confront several problems at the same time. First, Johnny was watching a show
that he wasn’t supposed to watch. Second, Johnny lied about watching the show. Third, we have to help Johnny build skills for making
appropriate choices about watching TV. Fourth, we have to teach him why he should not lie in this situation. Fifth, to do this, we have
to address Johnny’s fear – which is at the root of his lie (but not at the root of his misbehavior.)
Now, one thing many of us do is to punish the child for telling a lie. This is unlikely to be effective. If the child is lying out of fear of the
consequences of lying, well, he is going to have even more reasons to lie if he fears punishment! His fears have been legitimized.
If a child lies out of a fear of telling the truth, then it is necessary to eliminate the child’s fear. And herein lies the problem: On the
one hand, we do not want our children to be afraid of us; we want them to tell the truth. On the other hand, the child has broken a
rule, and we must respond to the broken rule! If a child has broken a rule, do we “let the child off the hook” simply because he tells
truth about it?
In all likelihood, the thing that the child is most afraid of is the parent’s disapproval or angry response. The child is likely to fear a parent’
s anger more than any consequences that she might receive for breaking a rule. After all, the child knows she broke the rule – that’s
why she lied in the first place!
The antidote to fear is trust. Trust is something that is built up over time within a relationship – in this case, the parent-child
relationship. A child is less likely to lie to a parent if the child knows that the parent will not become overly angry, overly disapproving or
punitive. A child is less likely to lie if she believes that her parent will listen to her and understand her feelings. In short, a child is less
likely to lie if she feels that her parent is there to help rather than to hurt.
One approach to building trust is to start by separating the lie from the initial misdeed. Address the lying separately from the misdeed.
Here are some steps you might take:
Lying is an interpersonal issue. Many – but not all lies – come from fear. Fear can only be addressed by building a strong relationship
involving trust with a child. Trust is a complex feeling. To be able to trust a parent means knowing that the parent will “be there for me
when I need help”. This not only means that a child knows that he or she will be understood and cared for but also that the parent is
there to help the child learn and develop. To develop trust, a child must come to feel safe and loved, but also guided and held to high
standards.
As we all know, people lie a lot. Lying is more common than we care to admit. There are many times when we may find ourselves lying
– and we may not even be aware of it. For example, imagine that you are buying a house or a new car. You tell the salesperson how
much you are willing to pay. Of course, you may be willing to pay more than you say. Now, that’s a lie! In the context of negotiations
over a purchase, it is perhaps customary – even expected – that we lie.
And what about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? Technically, they are…well…I can’t even bring myself to say it, but they are.
Many of us are willing to tell lies to preserve another person’s feelings. Many, perhaps most folks feel that it is acceptable to tell Aunt
Betty that we really like the Spinach Rhubarb pie that she spent all afternoon baking – even though we don’t. We lie because we think
that telling the truth would have more negative consequences than lying.
So, not all lies are necessarily bad. The bad lies seem to be those that have their origins in self-interest – in advancing the self at the
expense of the other. Let’s take a look at why children lie – particularly out of self-interest -- and how we can help change their
behavior.
Children’s Motives for Lying
So, why do children lie? What are their motives? How should we respond to children’s lies? Understanding why a child would lie is
important to deciding how we should respond to a lie.
Perhaps the most frequent reason a child lies is fear (self-protection or self-interest). If a child has just swiped a cookie before dinner;
pushed his sister out of the way, or is watching a TV show that she is not supposed to be watching, he is likely to feel afraid of what will
happen if a parent were to find out. Children want their parent’s approval; however, they also want to watch the prohibited TV show.
Young children also lie in order to get out of doing things that they do not want to do. “Did you brush your teeth?” “Did you clean your
room?” “Did you do your homework?” In that moment, to a child who doesn’t want to brush her teeth, clean her room or do her
homework, it is so easy to just say “I did” when, well, “I didn’t.”
Of course, there are other, more benevolent reasons why children lie. Sometimes children lie to protect other people. Like adults, older
children sometimes lie to avoid hurting another person’s feelings. Sometimes, children are simply mistaken about what happened. And
sometimes, children tell tales because, well, tales are interesting and get interesting reactions from people. If I lie about my
accomplishments, for example, maybe you’ll like me more.
Helping Children Move Beyond Lying
As parents, when a child lies out of self-interest, we confront several problems at the same time. First, Johnny was watching a show
that he wasn’t supposed to watch. Second, Johnny lied about watching the show. Third, we have to help Johnny build skills for making
appropriate choices about watching TV. Fourth, we have to teach him why he should not lie in this situation. Fifth, to do this, we have
to address Johnny’s fear – which is at the root of his lie (but not at the root of his misbehavior.)
Now, one thing many of us do is to punish the child for telling a lie. This is unlikely to be effective. If the child is lying out of fear of the
consequences of lying, well, he is going to have even more reasons to lie if he fears punishment! His fears have been legitimized.
If a child lies out of a fear of telling the truth, then it is necessary to eliminate the child’s fear. And herein lies the problem: On the
one hand, we do not want our children to be afraid of us; we want them to tell the truth. On the other hand, the child has broken a
rule, and we must respond to the broken rule! If a child has broken a rule, do we “let the child off the hook” simply because he tells
truth about it?
In all likelihood, the thing that the child is most afraid of is the parent’s disapproval or angry response. The child is likely to fear a parent’
s anger more than any consequences that she might receive for breaking a rule. After all, the child knows she broke the rule – that’s
why she lied in the first place!
The antidote to fear is trust. Trust is something that is built up over time within a relationship – in this case, the parent-child
relationship. A child is less likely to lie to a parent if the child knows that the parent will not become overly angry, overly disapproving or
punitive. A child is less likely to lie if she believes that her parent will listen to her and understand her feelings. In short, a child is less
likely to lie if she feels that her parent is there to help rather than to hurt.
One approach to building trust is to start by separating the lie from the initial misdeed. Address the lying separately from the misdeed.
Here are some steps you might take:
- Try to understand and acknowledge what your child may be feeling in this situation. Your child is likely to feel afraid. You
might say something like, “I imagine that you might be afraid to tell me the truth. You might be afraid of how I’ll react. Is that
right?” As your child relaxes and feels that it is safe to speak, you can encourage your child to talk more about his feelings, “It
feels scary when you know you’ve broken a family rule, huh?”, and perhaps, “How else are you feeling? - Explain how you feel about lying. It is helpful to address the issue of lying explicitly. You can say something like, “When you lie,
that means I can’t trust what you say; I won’t be able to believe you when you tell me things. Would it be right if I were to lie to
you? You wouldn’t be able to trust me”, and so forth. - Provide your child with a “safe” way to tell the truth. You can explain to your child that you realize that it is sometimes difficult
to tell the truth, and that you will not become angry if your child tells the truth. However, that does not mean that the child is “off
the hook”. - Address the misdeed separately. When the child tells the truth, acknowledge and praise your child’s action. Then, in a calm
way, address the initial misdeed as you normally would.
Lying is an interpersonal issue. Many – but not all lies – come from fear. Fear can only be addressed by building a strong relationship
involving trust with a child. Trust is a complex feeling. To be able to trust a parent means knowing that the parent will “be there for me
when I need help”. This not only means that a child knows that he or she will be understood and cared for but also that the parent is
there to help the child learn and develop. To develop trust, a child must come to feel safe and loved, but also guided and held to high
standards.