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Children
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Adolescence is a time that is typically been seen as a period of storm and stress. We often tend to think of adolescence as a time
when they children become more distant, moody, private, withdrawn, and rebellious. We ordinarily think of adolescence as a period
in which children begin to separate themselves from their parents. Parents worry about having less influence over their adolescent,
and fear that the child with whom they were once so close has come under the influence of friends and peer groups.
Well, there’s some good news, and there’s some bad news. The bad news is that these events do indeed occur quite often during
adolescence. Teenagers are engaging in a process of developing a sense of identity; they are working to answer the question “who
am I?” and “who do I want to become?” Creating a sense of “who I am” necessarily means identifying “who I am not”. This implies
some degree of separating from parents.
And peers are important in this regard. Think of yourself! Besides your children, who are the important people in your life? Don’t
they include your peers? Your spouse? Your co-workers? Your friends? Other moms and dads? Why shouldn’t adolescents begin
to see their peers as important people? After all, your adolescent is an adult-in-training!
But here’s the good news. We tend to think of “separating” as the opposite of “connecting”. We tend to think that we either
separate or connect, and that we cannot do both at the same time. If my adolescent is separating from me, then he or she is
necessarily moving away from me! This is simply not so!
In fact, research shows that although parents and adolescents do indeed experience more conflict during the adolescent years, the
strength of the parent-child relationship remains intact throughout adolescence! Children need parents just as much – if not more –
than they do in earlier years. Your child is changing. And as your child changes over the course of adolescence, his or her
relationship with you will change as well. It will grow, develop and become more mature. And that’s where the conflicts come from.
Your child is attempting to seize control over what he or she sees as the “personal” parts of his or her life. This can’t help but create
conflict. But these very acts of separating also create new ways of relating to you to others.
With every act of separating comes the very real opportunity of building a new type of relationship with you. Your child may
separate. But she can only do this because of her existing relationship with you! You are the support system that she uses to
explore her new world of complex social relationships. As a result of her explorations, your teen will become slightly different –
someone who is “more her own person”.
But this new person will not stop needing you. Instead, he will return to you with his new needs and experiences. (If you look
closely, you will see it.) Even while making claims to being more grown-up, he will nonetheless continue to seek your guidance and
support again. And he will need the same love, support and limit setting that you provided for him when he was younger.
For example, when your child was young, she relied on you to feed her, clothe her, play with her, and more. If your child was
frightened – say, by a new experience, an unfamiliar dog, a stranger – she would run to you to seek your support. The same sort of
thing also happens during adolescence; your teen simply relies upon you to fulfill different needs. Your child may turn to you (in
obvious and not-so-obvious ways) when he loses a friend; feels the pangs of unrequited love; succeeds or fails at school; needs
guidance on matters of sexuality and relationships; prepares for school and a career. And of course, when he needs money or the
car keys.
The relationship that you develop with your teen will build upon the one that you already have. If you have a strong, close
relationship already, it is unlikely to go away. It will simply take a new form. The trick is to see that this is what is happening, and
to adjust appropriately with the new relationship. The movement to a more complicated relationship with your teenager is not an
easy one. It often involves a sense of loss. After all, your little boy or girl is growing up. You are leaving your child behind as you
embrace your new adult-in-training. But that adult-in-training needs you now more than ever.
when they children become more distant, moody, private, withdrawn, and rebellious. We ordinarily think of adolescence as a period
in which children begin to separate themselves from their parents. Parents worry about having less influence over their adolescent,
and fear that the child with whom they were once so close has come under the influence of friends and peer groups.
Well, there’s some good news, and there’s some bad news. The bad news is that these events do indeed occur quite often during
adolescence. Teenagers are engaging in a process of developing a sense of identity; they are working to answer the question “who
am I?” and “who do I want to become?” Creating a sense of “who I am” necessarily means identifying “who I am not”. This implies
some degree of separating from parents.
And peers are important in this regard. Think of yourself! Besides your children, who are the important people in your life? Don’t
they include your peers? Your spouse? Your co-workers? Your friends? Other moms and dads? Why shouldn’t adolescents begin
to see their peers as important people? After all, your adolescent is an adult-in-training!
But here’s the good news. We tend to think of “separating” as the opposite of “connecting”. We tend to think that we either
separate or connect, and that we cannot do both at the same time. If my adolescent is separating from me, then he or she is
necessarily moving away from me! This is simply not so!
In fact, research shows that although parents and adolescents do indeed experience more conflict during the adolescent years, the
strength of the parent-child relationship remains intact throughout adolescence! Children need parents just as much – if not more –
than they do in earlier years. Your child is changing. And as your child changes over the course of adolescence, his or her
relationship with you will change as well. It will grow, develop and become more mature. And that’s where the conflicts come from.
Your child is attempting to seize control over what he or she sees as the “personal” parts of his or her life. This can’t help but create
conflict. But these very acts of separating also create new ways of relating to you to others.
With every act of separating comes the very real opportunity of building a new type of relationship with you. Your child may
separate. But she can only do this because of her existing relationship with you! You are the support system that she uses to
explore her new world of complex social relationships. As a result of her explorations, your teen will become slightly different –
someone who is “more her own person”.
But this new person will not stop needing you. Instead, he will return to you with his new needs and experiences. (If you look
closely, you will see it.) Even while making claims to being more grown-up, he will nonetheless continue to seek your guidance and
support again. And he will need the same love, support and limit setting that you provided for him when he was younger.
For example, when your child was young, she relied on you to feed her, clothe her, play with her, and more. If your child was
frightened – say, by a new experience, an unfamiliar dog, a stranger – she would run to you to seek your support. The same sort of
thing also happens during adolescence; your teen simply relies upon you to fulfill different needs. Your child may turn to you (in
obvious and not-so-obvious ways) when he loses a friend; feels the pangs of unrequited love; succeeds or fails at school; needs
guidance on matters of sexuality and relationships; prepares for school and a career. And of course, when he needs money or the
car keys.
The relationship that you develop with your teen will build upon the one that you already have. If you have a strong, close
relationship already, it is unlikely to go away. It will simply take a new form. The trick is to see that this is what is happening, and
to adjust appropriately with the new relationship. The movement to a more complicated relationship with your teenager is not an
easy one. It often involves a sense of loss. After all, your little boy or girl is growing up. You are leaving your child behind as you
embrace your new adult-in-training. But that adult-in-training needs you now more than ever.
| Why Your Adolescent Still Needs You (Even When He or She Doesn’t Act Like It...) by Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |