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Children
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North Shore
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I’m sure you have seen those videos on airplanes that explain what to do during times of emergency. The very calm flight
attendant shows the very calm parent putting on the oxygen mask before putting an oxygen mask on his or her child. If you are
like most parents, your first reaction to this is: “What? What kind of parent would put her own needs before those of her child?”
Of course, a few seconds of thought brings us to the realization that, well, that a parent who has passed out from lack of oxygen is
going to be no help to her child. And so, yes, I need that oxygen if I’m going to take care of my child.
But even when we realize this, we feel a pang or two of guilt. I’m not supposed to take care of myself before I take care of my
child.
The problem, of course, is that taking care of yourself is not something that should be in opposition to taking care of your family.
Like the situation with the oxygen mask, if you are exhausted, out of shape, unhappy, or unfulfilled, you are not going to be fully
available to meet the needs of your family (whether you are a mother, father, grandparent, or what have you).
Research shows, for example, that depressed parents are less likely to interact with their children in emotionally positive ways than
parents who are not depressed. Parents who are overly stressed are more likely to react in a hostile (or even abusive) way in
reaction to their children’s misbehavior than less stressed parents. Similarly, parents who are overly stressed or otherwise unhappy
with their day-to-day lives tend to have conflicts and arguments with their spouses. Conflict between parents is a very difficult and
painful experience for most children.
There are several reasons why it is important that you take the time to care for yourself. First, as described above, it is difficult for
any parent to take care of others when he or she is depleted or unfulfilled. Second, even though you are devoted to your family,
you are still a separate person with your own needs. Just as you have a desire to respect and care for others, you are deserving of
that same basic respect. Respect yourself enough to cultivate yourself as a person!
Here are some suggestions about how you can make some space to care for yourself. No doubt you can think of many more
yourself.
These are some big questions! But there is no shame if we realize that we are not yet where we want to be – moving toward out
goals is what a life is about. What is most important is not that we have clear and detailed answers to these questions, but
instead that we ask the questions. And then, that we take steps – even baby steps --- toward fulfilling our goals. We can feel joy
in each tiny step we make.
And so, taking time to care for yourself is a necessary and no-guilt proposition. It is essential to both your own development and
to the well-being of your family.
attendant shows the very calm parent putting on the oxygen mask before putting an oxygen mask on his or her child. If you are
like most parents, your first reaction to this is: “What? What kind of parent would put her own needs before those of her child?”
Of course, a few seconds of thought brings us to the realization that, well, that a parent who has passed out from lack of oxygen is
going to be no help to her child. And so, yes, I need that oxygen if I’m going to take care of my child.
But even when we realize this, we feel a pang or two of guilt. I’m not supposed to take care of myself before I take care of my
child.
The problem, of course, is that taking care of yourself is not something that should be in opposition to taking care of your family.
Like the situation with the oxygen mask, if you are exhausted, out of shape, unhappy, or unfulfilled, you are not going to be fully
available to meet the needs of your family (whether you are a mother, father, grandparent, or what have you).
Research shows, for example, that depressed parents are less likely to interact with their children in emotionally positive ways than
parents who are not depressed. Parents who are overly stressed are more likely to react in a hostile (or even abusive) way in
reaction to their children’s misbehavior than less stressed parents. Similarly, parents who are overly stressed or otherwise unhappy
with their day-to-day lives tend to have conflicts and arguments with their spouses. Conflict between parents is a very difficult and
painful experience for most children.
There are several reasons why it is important that you take the time to care for yourself. First, as described above, it is difficult for
any parent to take care of others when he or she is depleted or unfulfilled. Second, even though you are devoted to your family,
you are still a separate person with your own needs. Just as you have a desire to respect and care for others, you are deserving of
that same basic respect. Respect yourself enough to cultivate yourself as a person!
Here are some suggestions about how you can make some space to care for yourself. No doubt you can think of many more
yourself.
- 1. Ask yourself: What do I really want from life? What are my goals? Am I taking the steps necessary to get
it? How can I make room to do so?
2. How often do I want to spend alone time with my partner? What can I do to make sure that I secure the
time, space and finances to make this happen?
3. Am I fit? Do I have enough energy to get through the day? Do I sleep well? If not, what I can do to make
my physical health a priority?
4. Do I make enough time to reflect upon my life? Do I feel connected enough to community or church? Do
I spend enough quality time with friends?
5. What activities would help me to cultivate my sense of who I am? Would yoga and mediation help?
- Attending classes? Finding a new job? Resetting my priorities? What is the appropriate balance
between family time and private time in my life?
- 6. What is the appropriate balance between family time and private time in my life? How does my family fit
into my sense of who I am?
These are some big questions! But there is no shame if we realize that we are not yet where we want to be – moving toward out
goals is what a life is about. What is most important is not that we have clear and detailed answers to these questions, but
instead that we ask the questions. And then, that we take steps – even baby steps --- toward fulfilling our goals. We can feel joy
in each tiny step we make.
And so, taking time to care for yourself is a necessary and no-guilt proposition. It is essential to both your own development and
to the well-being of your family.