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| Of Whining and Giving In: Breaking the Coercion Cycle by Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
“Daddy, can I have some bubble gum?”
“Not right now, Katie. You had some earlier today. Maybe after dinner.”
“But I want some bubble gum!”
“Come on, we’ve got to get going. And besides, I’ve already paid for the groceries.”
"Please?"
“You heard what I said.”
“No”, says Katie. She stands firmly in place with her arms folded and her face furrowed with anger. Her voice rises, “You never let me
have anything I want.”
By this time, Dad is getting tired. And he is beginning to feel a bit embarrassed. After all, he is in the middle of a busy supermarket,
and his little girl is making a scene. Dad just wants to get out of there. And there is a simple solution that will solve the problem.
Dad buys the bubble gum. Katie walks out of the store feeling happy. Dad gets to have peace.
Peace, yes. But only for a short while.
This story describes an all too common scenario. Most of us have been there. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “the coercion
cycle”. The coercion cycle is a perfect storm that comes together in the short term that can cause serious long term consequences.
This is how it works. Katie wants something (bubble gum). Katie probably doesn’t do this intentionally, but she has learned that if
she keeps pressing Dad, Dad will give in and she will get what she wants. Now, why does Dad “give in”? There are many reasons, but
the biggest reason is probably that Dad wants something too. He wants peace. And by giving Katie the bubble gum, he gets what he
wants.
It’s a cycle. The next time that this situation comes up, Katie will press and press and whine and whine. This is unpleasant for Dad.
Dad wants this unpleasant (!) whining to stop. He gives in, and the cycle continues.
How can we break the coercion cycle? In a sense, it’s really quite easy. It simply involves (a) firmly communicating to the child that
“no means no”; (b) showing the child that whining and carrying on are not appropriate ways to get what he wants; and (c) providing
the child with ways to deal with the disappointment of not getting what he wanted.
This takes a bit of foresight, will, and compassion.
The foresight part is realizing that the coercion cycle is not good for either the child or the parent. It is a short term fix. But the short
term fix will lead to the same behavior time and time again.
The will part is realizing that I have to have the will to say “no” and mean it. Why is will important here? Well, because Katie is not
going to like it when Dad says no! She might put on a bit of a tantrum. She might embarrass Dad in public. But Dad (mom, auntie,
uncle, babysitter, teacher or whomever): If you have the will to say no and mean it consistently, you will be able to break the coercion
cycle quickly -- within days or weeks. And then you will have real peace and even cooperation.
Now, what about compassion? Having the will to be firm and “to have no mean no” does not mean being angry, mean, inflexible, or
non-communicative. It simply means being firm. In response to Katie’s second plea for bubble gum, Dad could have said in a calm
but firm way, “Katie, I know you are disappointed that you can’t have some gum right now. But I said ‘no’ and I mean ‘no’. I don’t
want to spend more money on gum. If you want some gum, I will let you have some after dinner – but not if you make a fuss now.
Now come on, it’s time to go.”
It’s important, of course, to be clear about why we are saying “no”. If we say “no” just to show that we are the authority, or if we say
“no” without giving clear reasons or without providing alternative behaviors for our children, the child may come to see the parent as
simply insensitive and unresponsive. So, it helps that when we say “no” that we do it for the right reasons. That’s because if we are
going to be firm, we are going to have to live with those reasons, right? And after all, we are trying to teach our child something: to
delay gratification; to understand why he or she can or cannot have something; to behave appropriately in public; to understand and
control her emotions, and the like.
A little foresight, a lot of will, and some sustained compassion will go a long way. You’ll have peace sooner than you think. Really.
“Not right now, Katie. You had some earlier today. Maybe after dinner.”
“But I want some bubble gum!”
“Come on, we’ve got to get going. And besides, I’ve already paid for the groceries.”
"Please?"
“You heard what I said.”
“No”, says Katie. She stands firmly in place with her arms folded and her face furrowed with anger. Her voice rises, “You never let me
have anything I want.”
By this time, Dad is getting tired. And he is beginning to feel a bit embarrassed. After all, he is in the middle of a busy supermarket,
and his little girl is making a scene. Dad just wants to get out of there. And there is a simple solution that will solve the problem.
Dad buys the bubble gum. Katie walks out of the store feeling happy. Dad gets to have peace.
Peace, yes. But only for a short while.
This story describes an all too common scenario. Most of us have been there. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “the coercion
cycle”. The coercion cycle is a perfect storm that comes together in the short term that can cause serious long term consequences.
This is how it works. Katie wants something (bubble gum). Katie probably doesn’t do this intentionally, but she has learned that if
she keeps pressing Dad, Dad will give in and she will get what she wants. Now, why does Dad “give in”? There are many reasons, but
the biggest reason is probably that Dad wants something too. He wants peace. And by giving Katie the bubble gum, he gets what he
wants.
It’s a cycle. The next time that this situation comes up, Katie will press and press and whine and whine. This is unpleasant for Dad.
Dad wants this unpleasant (!) whining to stop. He gives in, and the cycle continues.
How can we break the coercion cycle? In a sense, it’s really quite easy. It simply involves (a) firmly communicating to the child that
“no means no”; (b) showing the child that whining and carrying on are not appropriate ways to get what he wants; and (c) providing
the child with ways to deal with the disappointment of not getting what he wanted.
This takes a bit of foresight, will, and compassion.
The foresight part is realizing that the coercion cycle is not good for either the child or the parent. It is a short term fix. But the short
term fix will lead to the same behavior time and time again.
The will part is realizing that I have to have the will to say “no” and mean it. Why is will important here? Well, because Katie is not
going to like it when Dad says no! She might put on a bit of a tantrum. She might embarrass Dad in public. But Dad (mom, auntie,
uncle, babysitter, teacher or whomever): If you have the will to say no and mean it consistently, you will be able to break the coercion
cycle quickly -- within days or weeks. And then you will have real peace and even cooperation.
Now, what about compassion? Having the will to be firm and “to have no mean no” does not mean being angry, mean, inflexible, or
non-communicative. It simply means being firm. In response to Katie’s second plea for bubble gum, Dad could have said in a calm
but firm way, “Katie, I know you are disappointed that you can’t have some gum right now. But I said ‘no’ and I mean ‘no’. I don’t
want to spend more money on gum. If you want some gum, I will let you have some after dinner – but not if you make a fuss now.
Now come on, it’s time to go.”
It’s important, of course, to be clear about why we are saying “no”. If we say “no” just to show that we are the authority, or if we say
“no” without giving clear reasons or without providing alternative behaviors for our children, the child may come to see the parent as
simply insensitive and unresponsive. So, it helps that when we say “no” that we do it for the right reasons. That’s because if we are
going to be firm, we are going to have to live with those reasons, right? And after all, we are trying to teach our child something: to
delay gratification; to understand why he or she can or cannot have something; to behave appropriately in public; to understand and
control her emotions, and the like.
A little foresight, a lot of will, and some sustained compassion will go a long way. You’ll have peace sooner than you think. Really.